Something's cracking... I sit up here on the height of several tenths of meters above the ground and train my consciousness... I seem to be regretting everything, I seem never to be content, I seem to be troubled&troublesome. Problem is... I'm not ready for life yet... I kinda need 2-3-5-10 more years to understand what is happening around, I'd like all that is happening now to be a sketch, a mere sketch of what is yet to come. I don't want to live but not because life is that bad, I'm quite sure it is at least bearable. Yet... There is one thing certain, I'm still in need of lots of training, need more skills and more experience. Otherwise this life doesn't look like being mine. It looks like I'm just at the very beginning of my life comprehension. I wish nothing happened to me up till now. I want not to live, but to observe, I want to have no feelings and no emotions, just pure information and knowledge.
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But how could it be possible? It's like contemplating about living without food and water. I would like to erase everything I had in my life, so that there could be a tiny chance to start it all once again without notorious 'holes in the soul', without constant feeling that all is wrong'n'bad in your life. All those things are due to be said when you are 12 or 14 but not when you are 21... I still sense that I'm no more than a feared cihled with unshared gloomy thoughts and pathetic dreams.
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Just one more time: I'm not yet ready to live and it scares the creeps out of me. At least 3 of my classmates are now happily married or already have children, one of them is already dead. And what about me? The life hasn't actually started and at this rate I doubt it actually will. As for now, I don't want a family, I don't want to have a girlfriend, I don't want to have any more feelings for whoever this should be. And there's nothing in this life that I like particularly much, well, music has been abandoned, what else? Science? Come on, science is just a pretext to lurk away from the pain a kind of subterfuge to stay on track. Still attractive as it may seem death doesn't attract me at all.
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Not many things left over, huh? I sit here in my room alone and absorb the pain that has been oozing though me for a while... I don't want anyone to see it and since a certain moment I ceased to wish to talk about it to anyone. Sweet and dear diary, you accept any means of my bleeding here. I don't know where and what is my fault, neither do I know what is left to do or why have I deserved it. Now just one thing is left real: the pain and the desire to get rid of it.
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"Thought myself prepared for this, yes, one day I shall have to pay
So I'm lying eyes wide open, taking note of my decay
No more tears, no lamentation in this house that you called home
This is here and this is now and it says: yes, I am alone
Winter's coming..." (c) Deine Lakeien - As it is
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P.S. And not just winter but also the 14-th of November... The day she faded away from my life a year ago......